Joke Till Die

(In English)

Four Letter Word

Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much. Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"

(In Bahasa)

Seperti Bayi

Sepasang kekasih yang hendak menikah sedang berkencan. Cewek berbisik pada kekasihnya, "Sekarang waktunya kita saling jujur agar kelak kita tidak kecewa." Cowok mengangguk. "Sesungguhnya dada saya rata.. seperti papan... kalau kau tidak suka katakan saja. Kita bisa batalkan rencana pernikahan ini.
Saya siap menghadapinya", kata cewek. Cowok dengan lemah lembut menjawab, "Itu tidak masalah. Bagiku seks bukanlah hal yang penting. Tetapi cinta kasih" Cewek pun lega mendengarkannya. "Saya juga perlu mengatakan sesuatu sejujurnya padamu.", sambut cowok.
Cewek mengangguk tersenyum. "Sesungguhnya 'anu' saya seperti bayi...", kata cowok. "Sstt... sudahlah itu tidak soal. Bagiku seks bukanlah hal yang penting. Tetapi cinta kasih.", sahut cewek. Cowok pun lega mendengarkannya.
Malam pengantin tiba. Cewek mulai membuka baju dan tampaklah dadanya yang memang... memang... benar-benar rata. Cowok hanya tersenyum melihatnya. Kemudian cowok mulai membuka celananya sehingga tampaklah 'anu'nya. Melihat itu cewek menjerit dan pingsan.
Setelah siuman si cewek bertanya, "Kau katakan punyamu seperti bayi...?" "Yah memang seperti bayi, panjang 50 cm dan berat 3 kg"

Joking Forever

(In Bahasa)

Cowok lagi Kesel Banget

Seorang cowok cerita ke temannya,"Gue kesel banget!""Oh ya? kenapa emang?" tanya temennya."Semalem gue kenalan ama cewek cakep di cafe, trus kita ke rumahnya, dia ngajakin begituan, pas kita mo buka baju, tau-tau suami nya dateng. Kaget gue langsung lompat ke jendela kamar sambil ngumpet gantungan di bawah jendela dengan jari gue!""Wah, sial banget lo" sahut temennya."Yeah, tapi itu belum apa-apa" lanjut cowok itu"Pas suaminya masuk kamar ngeliat istrinya, dia ngomong 'Wah... kebetulan kamu udah telanjang, bentar aku kencing dulu'. Lalu tau gak, si suami brengsek jorok itu kencing lewat jendela pas kena kepala gue""Ya ampun!" Temennya geleng-geleng kepala.

"Pantesan aja loe kesel banget""Yeah, tapi bukan itu yang bikin gue kesel""Udah itu, aku dengerin mereka begituan mesra banget. Setelah mereka selesai, suaminya ngebuang kondom nya keluar jendela, tau gak jatuh dimana? Pas di kepala gue!"

"Busyet, loe apes banget!" kata temennya"Bentar gue belum selesai, yang bikin gue lebih kesel lagi pas suaminya mau buang air, ternyata toiletnya rusak, jadi dia pup sambiljongkok di pinggir jendela, pas jatuh diatas kepala gue!""Wah..wah, pasti lengkap deh penderitaan loe" sahut temennya.

"Yeah... yeah... tapi loe tau gak, yang paling bikin gue KESEL... KESEL... KESEEELL banget? Pas gue liat kebawah ternyata kakigue jaraknya cuma 10 centi dari tanah..."

Love Joke

(In English)

The Laziest

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" Nine hands went up. "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.

(In Bahasa)

Pesan Ibu

Nasihat Ibu Agar Keluarga Tidak DipermalukanSeorang gadis cantik akan keluar rumah menemui pacarnya untuk pertama kalinya.Ibu dari gadis tersebut merasa harus memberikan nasehat kepada anaknya.Ibu : "Nak... kamu harus hati2, ketika pacaran harus jaga jarak. Apalagi kamu gadis yang cantik. Pacarmu mungkin tidak tahan dan akan mendorongmu, membaringkan kamu, membuka bajumu dan melakukan seks denganmu. Jika hal ini terjadi maka kejadian ini akan mempermalukan keluargamu."Si gadis mengingat nasehat ibunya...Besoknya sang ibu bertanya...Ibu : "Apakah dia telah melakukan hal2 yang mempermalukan keluarga kita?"Gadis : "Dia memang mencoba mendorongku, membuka bajuku, dan berusaha melakukan seks denganku. Tapi aku harus tegas, aku enggak mau dia mempermalukan keluarga kita!"Gadis : "Jadi aku bangkit..."Ibu : (Dalam hati) Baguslah, nasehatku diingat...Gadis : "Dan aku balas dendam mempermalukan keluarganya... Kudorong dia ke bawah, kubuka bajunya dan melakukan seks dengan posisi di atas!"

Joke yuuk 2

(In English)

Overworked

I have found out the real reason why I'm tired, because I'm overworked! The population of this country is 237 million: 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the city and state government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 people in hospitals so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now there are 11,998 people in prison. That leaves 2 people to do the work, You and Me...
AND YOU'RE SITTING THERE SCREWING AROUND ON MY JOKE PAGE!

(In Bahasa)

Pratikum

Suatu hari di praktikum kedokteran : Dosen : Hari ini kita belajar mengenai tubuh sesungguhnya, utk itu kita akan mempelajari mayat!Lalu didatangkanlah sebuah mayat ... Dosen : Pelajaran pertama, TIDAK BOLEH JIJIK!Lalu sang dosen memasukkan jarinya ke anus mayat tersebut, dan kemudian menjilat jarinya. Dosen : Nah, kalian lakukan spt yg saya lakukan tadi! Walaupun byk yg teriak2 & muntah2 krn tdk tahan, toh akhirnya semua mahasiswa melakukan itu satu per satu. Dosen : Nah skrg pelajaran kedua, KETELITIAN! Perhatikan, tadi yg saya masukkan adalah jari tengah, sedangkan yg saya jilat adalah jari kelingking!!

Joke yuuk 1

(In English)

Dealing with criminals

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

(In Bahasa)

Membantu Orang Buntung Kencing

Bobi masuk wc umum. Di dalem ada cowok, bediri, tangannya buntung. Bobi kesian banget, gile, gimana kencingnya tuh orang.."Mas Mas, mau saya bantuin?"Kata si mas "Oh boleh Mas...makasih yah..."Si Bobi bantuin bukain resleting, terus megangin 'anu' si mas, terus pas selesai, dimasukin "anu" si mas ke celana dalemnya, terus di resletingin lagi."Wah, makasih yah mas, tanpa mas, saya nggak bakal bisa kencing gini..."Kata Bobi.."Wah, nggak apa-apa.Tapi, kok 'anu' mas kayak budukan gitu sih mas? Kenapa tuh?"Kata si mas, sambil ngeluarin kedua tangannya yang di umpetin di dalem kaosnya, "Nggak tau, makanya saya jijik megangnya..."

Life is a Joke

Someone died playing golf

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful!" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Confuse traffic signs

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible. Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Cheer-u-up Jokes

Talking to God

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute." "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."



Fishing Affair

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looksover at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time
he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Refreshing Jokes

I deserve a first class seat

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

There are no dogs allowed here

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Joke & Joke

Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.

Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Boss wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Everyday Jokes

Qualifying for Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."